Jokes that include the YuYu Gang
by pices-aquarius
Summary: Title is self expalnitory...
1. Old but good

Just a note: I Don't Own these Jokes or YuYu Hakusho

TRAVELING ARGUMENTS

Yusuke and Kuwabara were driving through Wales. As they were approaching Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, Yusuke asked the blonde employee,

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

SCHOOL JOKE

It was the first day of school and Suichi put down his lunch and went back to his Mom in the kitchen.

" Mother, I don't want to go to school." he said. "All the big kids pick on me and bother me."

" But you have to go." said his mother.

"I hate it," Suichi continued. "My name is written all over the bathroom wall and all the kids talk behind my back."

"Suichi, it's not really that bad, jus go." Said his frustrated mother.

" It's not fair. School is supposed to be fun, but the other kids keep torturing me."

"Suichi, Enough is enough. You have to go. You are the principal."

MISLEADING SIGN

Yusuke and Kuwabara were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.

One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you nuts!"

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and Kuwabara said to Yusuke, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

KUWABARA'S LIST OF WHAT WORDS REALLY MEAN…

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

PRETEND MARRIAGE

Yusuke and Kieko, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, Yusuke leans over and gently wakes Kieko saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Then, get your own stupid blanket!"

TROUBLES OF BUYING A COMPUTER

Hiei calls to buy a computer from Kurama . . . .

KURAMA: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

Hiei: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

KURAMA: Mac?

Hiei: No, the name's Hiei.

KURAMA: Your computer?

Hiei: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

KURAMA: Mac?

Hiei: I told you, my name's Hiei.

KURAMA: What about Windows?

Hiei: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

KURAMA: Do you want a computer with Windows?

Hiei: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?

KURAMA: Wallpaper.

Hiei: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

KURAMA: Software for Windows?

Hiei: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?

KURAMA: Office.

Hiei: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

KURAMA: I just did.

Hiei: You just did what?

KURAMA: Recommend something.

Hiei: You recommended something?

KURAMA: Yes.

Hiei: For my office?

KURAMA: Yes.

Hiei: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

KURAMA: Office.

Hiei: Yes, for my office!

KURAMA: I recommend Office with Windows.

Hiei: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

KURAMA: Word.

Hiei: What word?

KURAMA: Word in Office.

Hiei: The only word in office is office.

KURAMA: The Word in Office for Windows.

Hiei: Which word in office for windows?

KURAMA: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

Hiei: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

KURAMA: Yes, you want Real One.

Hiei: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

KURAMA: Real One.

Hiei: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?

KURAMA: Of course.

Hiei: Great! With what?

KURAMA: Real One.

Hiei: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

KURAMA: You click the blue "1".

Hiei: I click the blue one what?

Kurama: The blue "1".

Hiei: Is that different from the blue w?

KURAMA: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

Hiei: What word?

KURAMA: The Word in Office for Windows.

Hiei: But there's three words in "office for windows"!

KURAMA: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

Hiei: It is?

KURAMA: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

Hiei: And that word is real one?

KURAMA: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

Hiei: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

KURAMA: Money.

Hiei: That's right. What do you have?

KURAMA: Money.

Hiei: I need money to track my money?

KURAMA: It comes bundled with your computer.

Hiei: What's bundled with my computer?

KURAMA: Money.

Hiei: Money comes with my computer?

KURAMA: Yes. No extra charge.

Hiei: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

KURAMA: One copy.

Hiei: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

KURAMA: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.

Hiei: They can give you a license to copy money?

KURAMA: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER. .

KURAMA: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

Hiei: How do I turn my computer off?

KURAMA: Click on "START"...

HIEI'S LIST OF DYSFUNCTIONAL HALLMARK CARDS…

**Card **1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...

(Inside card) -I've changed my mind.

**Card **2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...

(Inside card) -I never believed in Hell until I met you.

**Card **3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...

(Inside card) -That you're not here to ruin it for me.

**Card **4. Congratulations on your wedding day!...

(Inside card) -Too bad no one likes your husband.

**Card **5. Someday I hope to marry...

(Inside card) -Someone other than you.

**Card **6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...

(Inside card) -Almost lifelike!

**Card **7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...

(Inside card) -Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

**Card **8. We've been friends for a very long time...

(Inside card) -What do you say we stop?

**Card **9. I'm so miserable without you...

(Inside card) -It's almost like you're still here.

**Card **10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...

(Inside card) -Did you ever find out who the father was?

**Card **11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...

(Inside card) -I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

**Card **12. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)

**Card **13. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...

(Inside card) -What was I thinking?

KUWABARA'S LIST OF THINGS TO PONDER

1. Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

2. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

3. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

4. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

5. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

6. Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

7. Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

8. Why is the alphabet in that order?

9. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

10. Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

11. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

12. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

13.How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

14.When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

15. Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

BOTAN'S LIST OF ANAGRAMS

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

MR. MOJO RISINí

When you rearrange the letters:

JIM MORRISON

(from the Doors song, "L.A. Woman")

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

DEBIT CARD

When you rearrange the letters:

BAD CREDIT

ELVIS

When you rearrange the letters:

LIVES


	2. New Jokes

**GENKAI'S HELP HOTLINE **

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

1. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

2. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

3. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

4. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

5. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

6. If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

7. If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

YUSUKE'S WAYS OF GRADING PAPERS 

Dept of Statistics:

All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept of Psychology:

Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept of History:

All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept of Religion:

Grade is determined by God.

Dept of Philosophy:

What is a grade?

Law School:

Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept of Logic:

If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Dept of Computer Science:

Random number generator determines grade.

Music Department:

Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

Dept of Physical Education:

Everybody gets an A.

KUWABARA'S ANSWERS ON A TEST 

**Geography**

Q: Name the four seasons.

A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?

A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

**Sociology**

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

**Biology**

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.

A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term Caesarean Section.-

A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport

**Technology**

**Q: What is a turbine? **

A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

**Religious Education**

Q: What is a Hindu?

A: It lays eggs.

**BOTAN'S TOP TEN LINES YOU'LL NEVER HEAR IN A WESTERN MOVIE**

10. "I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"

9. "Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."

8. "I'm tellin' ya, I ain't shot no varmints since them PETA fellers set me straight.

7. "Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"

6. "Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee, nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"

5. "Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

4. "That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my therapist!"

3. "Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"

2. "It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone, women is from Dodge."

and the number 1 Line You'll Never Hear in a Western...

1. "HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS! ...Okay, now a little to the left... Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"

SEEN ON THE SPIRIT WORLD HOSPITAL CHARTS 

1. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.


	3. New Release

Alia- Ha! Finally a list of new jokes that include the YuYu Gang.

Rei- If you see jokes that you have used on your page, we didn't use yours.

Kai- Yeah so don't go hating us, we find our own jokes from all over.

Alia- Thanks now here's the third installment of Jokes that include the YuYu Gang.

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**Getting into the Olympic Village**

Hiei, Yusuke and Kuwabara were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The Hiei says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.

Botan the attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

Hiei gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

Botan says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

Yusuke grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

Botan says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize that Kuwabara is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

**The Cup Holder**

Hiei: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Kurama: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Hiei: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Kurama: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Hiei: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Kurama: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Hiei: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

**Keiko's List of ways to tell you have PMS**

Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.

The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800--.

Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

Inanimate objects get on your nerves.

You're counting down the days until menopause.

You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

You dump the pretzels out of the bag, and eat the salt.

While simultaneously eating a gallon of ice cream.

You cry at commercials one minute, and contemplate assault the next.

**The Golf Challenge**

Yusuke who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off Genkai shuffled onto the tee and asked if she could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old lady to join him.

To his surprise Genkai played fairly quickly. She didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old lady finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.

Genkai offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

**Jin's Funny Signs**

**On a Septic Tank Truck:** Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**On a Septic Tank Truck sign:** "We're #1 in the #2 business."

**Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:** "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**At a Proctologist's door:** "To expedite your visit please back in."

**On a Plumber's truck:** "We repair what your husband fixed."

**On a Plumber's truck:** "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

**Pizza Shop Slogan:** "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

**At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee!** "Invite us to your next blowout."

**On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:** "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

**At a Towing company:** "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**On an Electrician's truck:** "Let us remove your shorts."

**In a Nonsmoking Area:** "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**On a Maternity Room door:** "Push. Push. Push"

**At an Optometrist's Office:** "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**On a Taxidermist's window:** "We really know our stuff."

**In a Podiatrist's office:** "Time wounds all heels."

**On a Fence:** "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

**At a Car Dealership:** "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

**Outside a Muffler Shop:** "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**In a Veterinarian's waiting room:** "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**At the Electric Company:** "We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

**In a Restaurant window:** "Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

**In the front yard of a Funeral Home:** "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**At a Propane Filling Station:** "Thank heaven for little grills."

**And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:** "Best place in town to take a leak."

**Kuwabara's Red-Neck Lingo**

What high-tech lingo becomes once it goes north of the Oregon-California border.

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.

LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.

DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk

MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood

FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood

RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood

HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time

PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time

WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside

SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season

BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do

MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag

MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields

DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife

LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps

KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys

SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs

MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn

MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf

PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine

ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all

RANDOM ACCESS

MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks

MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

**Koenma's Comebacks to ' Why aren't you married yet?'**

You haven't asked yet.

I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.

Because I just love hearing this question.

Just lucky, I guess.

It gives my mother something to live for.

My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.

I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.

I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

It didn't seem worth a blood test.

I already have enough laundry to do, thank you. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.

I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

Why aren't you thin?

I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

**More of Kuwabara's Stupid Questions**

1. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of its bottle?

2. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

3. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

4. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

5. Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

6. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

7. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

8. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

9. If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

10. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

11. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

12. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

13. You know how most packages say "Open here"? What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

14. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

15. What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?

16.When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

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Alia- Hope you all liked, we will probably be coming out with more later today.

Midnight- Later until next time!


	4. Finally

Alia- Sorry we've been taking so long.

Kosa- At least we put more out.

Kai- Yeah.

Rei- Here's the 4th installment of jokes.

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**Botan's Funny Sayings and Questions**

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "...that was fun!"-

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?

Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Koenma says I never listen to him (at least I think that's what he said).

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!

Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

**Chu's List of What not to Say to a Cop**

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

**Koenma's Newspaper Headlines of 2035**

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions inthe seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally... Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.

**Going to a Hockey Game**

Jin, Rinku and Touya and Yusuke, Kurama and Kuwabara were traveling to a hockey game.

Yusuke, Kurama and Kuwabara each buy tickets and watch as Jin, Rinku and Touya buy only a single ticket.

"How are you three going to travel on only one ticket?", asks Yusuke.

"Watch and you'll see," says Jin. They all board the train. Yusuke, Kurama and Kuwabara take their respective seats but Jin, Rinku and Touya cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please!" The door opens a crack, a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. Yusuke, Kurama and Kuwabara see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.

So after the game they decide to copy Jin, Rinku and Touya on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment Jin, Rinku and Touya don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks a perplexed Kurama.

"Watch and you'll see," replies Touya.

When they board the train Yusuke, Kurama and Kuwabara cram into a bathroom and Jin, Rinku and Touya cram into another bathroom nearby.

Once the train leaves the station, Rinku leaves and walks over to the other bathroom where Yusuke, Kurama and Kuwabara are hiding, knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please!"

**Yusuke at College Oreintation**

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?"

At this point, Yusuke inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"

**Chu's Windows 2005 Southern Edition Understanding**

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Windows 2005 Southern Edition may have accidentally been shipped outside of the south.

If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands. The Southern Edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2005, with a background picture of Waylon and Willie superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled "Outhouse"

My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"

Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"

Control Panel is known as "The Dashboard"

Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"

Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"

Instead of an error message, "Duct Tape" pops up.

Changes in Terminology In Southern Edition:

Cancel...stopdat

Reset...try'er agin

Yes...yep

No...nope

Find...hunt fer it

Go to...over yonder

Back...back yonder

Help...hep me out here

Stop...kwitit (WHOA!)

Start...crank'er up

Settings...settins

Programs... stuff at duz stuff

Documents... .stuff ah done did

**Keiko's List of ' You know It's Going to Be a Bad Day When...'**

-Your twin forgets your birthday.

-You wake up face down on the pavement.

-You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

-You see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.

-Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

-You turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.

-The woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.

-Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

-You have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up!

æææææææææææææææææææææææææææææææææææææææææææææææææææææææææææææææææææææ

Alia- Sorry it's taken forever but I like to build up a collection of jokes before putting more out.

Kosa- Later until next time!


	5. Whoot! Jokes!

Alia- Okay so you all wanted more so here they are!

Kosa- These just get better and better

Kai- Yeah.

Rei- Here's the 5th installment of jokes.



**Rinku's list of Interesting Questions**

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but duck when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do you never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, why don't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it? (For the Ladies!)

**Jin's Signs that you've been in London too Long...**

- You say 'mate' constantly.

- You think it is perfectly normal to pay over $3 for a pint.

- Anyone not from London is a 'Wanker'

- Anyone from outside London and north of the Watford Gap is a 'Northern Wanker'.

- You have no idea where the North is.

- You see All Saints in the Met Bar (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.

- The countryside makes you nervous.

- Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.

- American tourists no longer annoy you.

- You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day".

- You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car in the city.

- You didn't realize that 'Paddington Green' is REAL.

**Two Engineers and a Manager**

Yusuke the Software Engineer, Kurama the Hardware Engineer and Koenma the Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt, scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know", said Koenma the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no", said Kurama the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well", said Yusuke the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

**Good Paying American Job**

Kazuma Kuwabara started the day early, having set his alarm clock (made in Japan) for 7:00 am. While his coffee pot (made in Japan) is perking, he puts his blow dryer (made in Taiwan) to work and shaves with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong).

He puts on a dress shirt (made in Taiwan), his designer jeans (made in Singapore), and a pair of tennis shoes (made in Korea). After cooking up some breakfast in his new electric skillet (made in the Philippines), he sits down to figure out on his calculator (made in Mexico) how much he can spend today.

After setting his watch (made in Switzerland) to the radio (made in Hong Kong), he goes out, gets in his car (made in Germany), and, as has been his daily task for months, goes looking for a good paying American job.

After the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Kuwabara decides to relax for a while. He puts on a pair of sandals (made in Brazil), pours himself a glass of wine (made in France), and turns on his TV (made in Japan), and ponders again why he can't find that "good paying American job."

**Koenma and AAADD**

I, Koenma Diaoh, have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it goes...

I decide to do work on the car, I start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car... BUT FIRST...

I'm going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk... BUT FIRST...

I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills... Yes. Now, where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks... BUT FIRST...

I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away... BUT FIRST...

I need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants... BUT FIRST...

I need to find those checks.

END OF DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys,... And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help... BUT FIRST...

I think I'll check my e-mail.

**Yusuke's Ways to annoy someone in the Bathroom**

Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

Say, "Now how did that get there?"

Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.

Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

**Chu's List of Liquor Warnings**

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your clothes.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-boyfriends are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your butt kicked.

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.

**Botan's Humorous Helpful Hints... **

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats in the pan and the marshmallow won't stick to your fingers.

To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove-top.

Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based sauces and there won't be any stains.

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."

Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

To determine whether an egg is fresh place it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief.

Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.

Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.

When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.

**Rinku's Child Instructions on Life**

"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."

"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."

"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower."

"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes."

"Never bug a pregnant mom."

"Don't ever be too full for dessert."

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."

"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."

"Never spit when on a roller coaster."

"Never do pranks at a police station."

"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."

"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."

"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."

"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."

"Stay away from prunes."

"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."

"Forget the cake, go for the icing."

"Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and Grandma's house."

"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."



Alia- Sorry it's taken forever but I like to build up a collection of jokes before putting more out.

Kosa- Later until next time!


	6. Jokes are my life

Zal- Sorry it's short. Couldn't find any good ones this time around.

Rei- Here's the 7th installment of jokes.

-----

**Yusuke and The Donkey**

A city boy, Yusuke, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer named Kurama for $100.00. The Kurama agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day Kurama drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Yusuke replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

Kurama said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Yusuke said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

Kurama asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Yusuke, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Kurama, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Yusuke, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later Kurama met up with Yusuke and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Yusuke, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Kurama, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Yusuke, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

**Botan's list of things Men take for Granted.**

1) Your last name stays put.

2) The garage is all yours.

3) Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4) Chocolate is just another snack.

5) You can never be pregnant.

6) You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

7) You can wear no T-shirt to a water park.

8) Car mechanics tell you the truth.

9) The world is your urinal.

10) You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just 'too icky'.

11) You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

12) Same work, more pay.

13) Wrinkles add character.

14) Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental - $100.

15) People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

**Kuwabara and Shingles**

Kuwabara walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. Kuwabara said, "Shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

Kuwabara said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

**Hiei's Little Story**

I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met with, "Hi! I'm Botan!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennn slip on this gown.

Everything clearrrr?

I'm thinking, "Botan, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Botan skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. With the right side finished, Botan flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?'

Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?

My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity, when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Botan headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Botan kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be rightttt backkk."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Yusuke and Kuwabara, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Yusuke (or possibly Kuwabara) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."

"You bet, take care" Yusuke replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Botan breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!" The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...

**Jin and the Light Bulb**

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker, Chu, asked me what I was doing? I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the Boss said to him, "And where do you think you're going?"

He said, "I'm obviously going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

**Kurama's list of School Excuse Notes from Parents (actual spellings)**

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins .

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. words in ( )'s were crossed out.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. .

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

-----

Zal- Sorry it took so long, I almost forgot about this collection I had.

Kosa- Later until next time!


	7. whatever

Pices- Soooooo sorry about the loooooooooong wait, but all the jokes I received kept disappearing. But here's some that I think you'll enjoy emmensily!

Chapter… whatever…(does it really matter? They're jokes with no particular theme.)

**Yusuke and Jealousy**

Yusuke calls home to check in with his wife, Keiko, to let her know he'll be home early, when suddenly, a strange woman answers.

Confused, Yusuke inquires, ''Who is this?''

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says Yusuke.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

"I told her we didn't need one, " Yusuke muttered under his breath. ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone...who I thought was her husband.''

Yusuke, suddenly realizes what's going on and begins to fume. Moments later, he says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid hesistates, but answers, ''What do I have to do?''

Yusuke explains to her: ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid pauses for a moment to consider the awful deed and puts the phone down. A minute later, Yusuke hears footsteps and then two gun shots!

The maid comes back to the phone breathing heavily, and with a slight quiver in her voice asks, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

Yusuke, quite despondent at this point, replies, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause follows.

Another long pause.

Finally Yusuke asks:

''Is this 567-5309?''

A New way to get rid of your Mother-In-Law 

A newlywed farmer, Kurama and his wife, Botan were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. Kurama had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and generally making life unbearable to Kurama and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, Kurama's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, Kurama stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to Kurama, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to Kurama, however, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked Kurama what that was all about.

Kurama explained, "Well, the women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"

**"Elementary, My Dear Kuwabara..."**

On a warm summer night, Sherlock Yusuke and Dr. Kuwabara decide to go on a camping trip together. As they lay down for the night, Yusuke replied to Kuwabara:

"Look up into the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars," Kuwabara observed.

"Very astute, Kuwabara! And what does that tell you?"

Kuwabara thought for a moment and then nervously replied, "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. And, uh...meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Kuwabara glanced over at Sherlock Yusuke and noticed a look of consternation on his face. Unsure if he'd spoken correctly, he decided to prompt and response from Sherlock Yusuke and replied, "Um...perhaps, I'm wrong. What does it tell you?"

Sherlock Yusuke pursed his lips, looked intently into the night air and replied:

"Somebody stole our tent."

Corprate Slackers 

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO, Koenma. Koenma is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the Koenma notices a guy, Yusuke, leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! Koenma walks up to Yusuke and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" Undaunted, Yusuke looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?" Koenma then hands Yusuke $300 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, Koenma looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?" With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

**If You Had One Wish...**

Jin is walking along the beach in Malibu, finds a bottle, and picks it up.

Immediately, a genie pops out and replies, "Thanks for letting me out! For your kindness, I will grant you one wish."

Jin says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm too afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick from claustrophobia. So...I guess, my wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."

"I'm sorry," the genie says, "But I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved...think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up the highway, and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that is just too much to ask."

"Well, there is one other thing I've always wanted," Jin replies. "I'd like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why they're so temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with them...you know, what makes them tick?"

The genie thinks a second, and then answers, "Would that road be two lanes or four?"

Marriage and Driving 

Yusuke and Keiko are driving on the highway when a state policeman, Yomi appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over. Yusuke pulls over, the officer approaches the car and the following scene ensues:

State cop Yomi: "License and registration please."

Yusuke: "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?"

State cop Yomi: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph."

Yusuke: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65."

Keiko: "Oh Yusuke, you were going at least 80!"

State cop Yomi: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out."

Yusuke: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out."

Keiko: "Oh Yusuke, you know it's been out for two months."

State Cop Yomi: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."

Yusuke: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."

Keiko: "Oh Yusuke, you know you never wear your seat belt."

Yusuke: "Will you just shut your mouth, Keiko?!"

State Cop Yomi: "Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?

Keiko: "Only when he's drunk..."

**The Three Inch Elder Toguro...**

Younger Toguro walks into a bar and asks for 2 shots for him and his brother, Elder Toguro.

The bartender says, "Do you want them both now, or do you want me to wait til your brother gets here first?"

Younger Toguro says, "Oh I want them both now, I've got my brother in my pocket right here."

He then pulls out a three-inch Elder Toguro and puts him on the table.

The bartender was astonished. "Do you mean to say he can drink a whole drink?"

"Sure, he can drink it all. Pour it on."

Sure enough, the bartender watches in amazement as the little Elder Toguro drinks down two full shots.

"That's amazing. Can he walk?"

Younger Toguro flicks a coin and says, "Hey, bro, go get the coin, ok?" The three-inch Toguro runs off after it.

"Unreal. Can he do anything else? Can he talk?"

"Of course, he can," Younger Toguro replied turning to his three inch brother:

"Hey bro! Tell the bartender about the time you called that witch doctor a good-for-nothing-scam-artist-idiot!"

**Take All Of These And Call Me In The Morning...**

Rinku was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. The drugstore owner had had about enough and warned Rinku that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then Touya came in coughing and asked Rinku for their best cough syrup.

Try as he might Rinku could not find the cough syrup. Remembering the owner's warning Rinku sold Touya a box of Ex-Lax and instructed him to take the entire box all at once. Touya immediately consumed the entire box in the store and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. The drugstore owner had seen the whole thing and came over to ask Rinku what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once." Rinku explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough," the owner shouted angrily.

"Sure it will," Rinku said, pointing at Touya leaning on the lamp post.

"Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

**"Remember the Time When We...What Was I Saying?"**

An 80 year old couple, Koenma and Botan, were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived to the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, Koenma got up from his chair and Botan asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

Shizuru's Proverbs 

A first grade teacher, Shizuru collected well-known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to fill in the rest. Here's what the kids came up with:

Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the... bug is close.

It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of... termites.

You can lead a horse to water but... how?

Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog... math.

If you lie down with dogs, you... will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

The pen is mightier than... the pigs.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there's... pollution.

Happy is the bride who... gets all the presents.

A penny saved is... not much.

Two is company, three's... The Musketeers.

None are so blind as... Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.

There is no fool like... Aunt Edie.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and... you have to blow your nose.

Please review! Thanks for reading, hope to have the next series out a LOT sooner than this time.


	8. Drum Roll New Chapter!

Pices- I finally got this updated! Woohoo! Sorry to the Hiei fans, I couldn't find any good ones for him, next time I promise there will some!

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**Yusuke and Keiko**

Yusuke was going to be married to Keiko, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat...

He said "Yusuke, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.'

"So, she did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.'

"I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

"Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm, "said Yusuke. He thought that might be a good thing to try. So on his honeymoon, Yusuke took off his pants and said to Keiko, "Here try these on."

So she did and said, "These are too large, they don't fit me."

Yusuke said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Keiko took off her pants and handed them to Yusuke and said, "Here, you try on mine."

So he did and said, "I can't get into your pants."

Keiko said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will."

**Kuwabara's "Universe Unlocked"**

1. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

2. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

3. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

4. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

5. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

6. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

7. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

8. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

9. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

10. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

11. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

13. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

14. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

**Kurama's Method of Job Placement**

Methods from Human Resources...

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

-------------------

Koenma Says the Darndest Things…in school 

TEACHER: Koenma, go to the map and find North America.

KOENMA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Koenma.

----------

TEACHER: Koenma, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

KOENMA: You told me to do it without using tables.

----------

TEACHER: Koenma, how do you spell "crocodile?"

KOENMA: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

KOENMA: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

-----------

TEACHER: Koenma, what is the chemical formula for water?

KOENMA: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

KOENMA: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

--------------

TEACHER: Koenma, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

KOENMA: Me!

------------------

TEACHER: Koenma, why do you always get so dirty?

KOENMA: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

----------------

TEACHER: Koenma, give me a sentence starting with "I."

KOENMA: I is...

TEACHER: No, Koenma... Always say, "I am."

KOENMA: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

-----------------

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Koenma, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

KOENMA: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

-----------------

TEACHER: Now, Koenma, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

--------------

TEACHER: Koenma, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

KOENMA: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

--------------

TEACHER: Koenma, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

KOENMA: A teacher

--------------------

If Yusuke was a regular Detective, these are the top 16 things he would say

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those, 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.

-------------------

If Chu got a job at a zoo 

Chu needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide.

They tell Chu that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.

Well, Chu has his doubts, but he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage.

The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.

During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars.

He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

--------------- If Kuwabara tried to fly… 

In the middle of a huge metropolitan city was a skyscraper where at the top was a bar. At the end of a particularly hard day at work Kuwabara went up to the bar to let go the stresses of that day. When he got there, there was already a man sitting at the bar drinking a particularly vile looking drink. This strange man said "watch this" and proceeded to walk over to one of the large windows lining the wall. He then picked up a chair and smashed out the window and stepped out.

He started falling toward the ground turning end over end and right before he hit the ground he stopped and proceeded to drift up. He floated back up through the window and went back over to the bar.

Kuwabara looked at the bartender and said, "I'll have what he's having!"

After a few rounds of the drink, Kuwabara stumbled over to the window and fell out. He fell all the way to the ground and landed with a loud SMACK.

The bartender turns to the mysterious man and says "Superman, you're such a jerk when you're drunk!"

-----------------------

Genkai the Oreo Psycholigist 

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.

2. One bite at a time

3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.

4. In little feverous nibbles.

5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).

6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.

10.I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.

Your Personality:

1. The whole thing:

This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with his or her children.

2. One bite at a time:

You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and Methodical:

You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.

4. Feverous Nibbles:

Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked:

Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie:

You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie:

You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside:

You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them:

Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreos:

You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to upscale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prissy.

----------------------------------

Atsuko's Mother Dictionary… 

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

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Please review! Thanks for reading.


	9. Heeeeerre's Jokes!

Yay! Finally another chapter of my most popular 'story'! I know you've all be waiting a long time for these!

* * *

**Hiei's Problems with Women**

"Doc," said Hiei lying down on the couch, "You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist, Kurama, nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away!"

"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"

Hiei implored, "Please--break my arms!"

**Rinku's Top 10 List of Rejected Commercials**

"Billy, the Homicidal Smurf."

"Scooby and Shaggy Go To The Retirement Home."

"Archie, the Abcessed Tooth."

"Yosemite Sam...UNCENSORED!"

"The Golden Girls meet The Power Rangers."

"Da Boys in Mister Rogers Neighborhood."

"The Land of The Lost...The Barney Years."

"COPS" in full color animation!

**Kuwabara's Answering Machine**:

- Well I finally got an answering machine . Now how does this thing work? Hmmm. Press the record button , I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it's not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does...

- Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

- Hello, this is Death. I am not in right now, but if you leave your name and number, I'll be right with you.

- English accent: Hello, you've reached the phone of Monty Python. I can't come to the phone right now because the witch has turned me into a newt! I'll call you back when I get better.

- Now I lay me down to sleep;  
Leave a message at the beep.  
If I die before I wake,  
Remember to erase the tape.

**Yusuke's Women Translations**

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

We need... = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want... = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk... = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture , and wallpaper.....

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate . = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In response to 'What's wrong?':

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Nothing, really... = It's just that you're such an idiot!

**Keiko's Response to Yusuke's Translations - Men's Translations**

"IT'S A GUY THING" = "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" = "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR" = Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" = "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD." = "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." = "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." = "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL." = "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." = "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT." = "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" = "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." = "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK." = "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

**Chu's Solutions to Drinking Problems**

**Symptom:** Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.

**Fault:** Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

**Solution:** Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

**Symptom:** Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.

**Fault:** Glass is empty.

**Solution:** Find someone who will buy you another pint.

**Symptom:** Feet cold and wet.

**Fault:** Glass being held at incorrect angle.

**Solution:** Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

**Symptom:** Feet warm and wet.

**Fault:** Loss of self-control.

**Solution:** Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

**Symptom:** Bar blurred.

**Fault:** You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

**Solution:** Find someone who will buy you another pint.

**Symptom:** Bar swaying.

**Fault:** Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.

**Solution:** Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

**Symptom:** Bar moving.

**Fault:** You are being carried out.

**Solution:** Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

**Symptom:** The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.

**Fault:** You have fallen over backwards.

**Solution:** If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

**Symptom:** Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.

**Fault:** You have fallen over forwards.

**Solution:** Same as for falling over backwards.

**Symptom:** You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.

**Fault:** You have spent the night in the gutter.

**Solution:** Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

**Symptom:** Everything has gone dim.

**Fault:** The pub is closing.

**Solution:** Panic.

* * *

I know there weren't a lot here, but hey, at least I updated. So I hope you all enjoyed! please review!!! ~Pices


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